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Tag:humor
Posted on: December 13, 2008 10:31 am
Edited on: December 30, 2008 10:15 am
 

Dear Lil Sis (part VII)

December 13

Dear Lil Sis,

    I recently read where your coach is upset with the fans, unhappy with comments he has heard with regard to the season just ended. Perhaps if you and your girlfriends on the team were to cease giving away free teeshirts at Wal-Mart, you would reap a benefit.
    You might consider setting up outside of Toys R Us for your teeshirt giveaways. Certainly there is a good prospect of gaining better fans. These new fans would likely be much more mature and there is all likelihood that these new fans will understand that football is just a game.
    While there, you should avail yourself of the many educational toys. Purchase of a Speak-And-Spell and other instructional gadgets will surely help you prepare for the spring semester. Indeed, using it while on teeshirt duty would benefit not only you, but also all your girlfriends on the team.
    Just think of how your teammates will be so envious of you and your new toy!

With all the love there is,

    Little Brother

Posted on: November 30, 2008 9:48 am
Edited on: November 30, 2008 9:49 am
 

Dear Lil Sis (part VI)

Dear Lil Sis,

     Congratulations on a record-setting/record-breaking season. You and your girlfriends should be pleased and proud of all you managed to accomplish.
     No, I do not believe you should start Spring Training just yet.
     In keeping with your request, I will continue to keep my letters short.

With all the love there is,

     Little Brother

Posted on: October 30, 2008 6:13 pm
 

Dear Lil Sis (part V)

Dear Lil Sis,

    Yes, I've heard that your coach has signed a 5-year contract.
    No, I do not believe the Federal Government will bail out your program like it is doing with the banks.
    In keeping with your request, I will try to keep my letters short.

With all the love there is,

    Little Brother

Posted on: October 30, 2008 6:10 pm
 

Dear Lil Sis (part IV)

Dear Lil Sis,

    I watched the game. Your team has made definite improvements since the beginning of the year. It will not be too long, maybe a year or 2, before you are ready to test yourselves at the next level. There are a number of good Pop Warner teams in your area. The Oak Park Trojans and the Ypsilanti Panthers come to mind.

    You asked me to write shorter letters. Ok.

With all the love there is,

    Little Brother

Category: NCAAF
Posted on: October 24, 2008 7:01 pm
 

Dear Little Sis (part III)

 

Dear Lil Sis,

    I did get your last letter. I am delinquent in responding slow to answer. Yes, it has been too long since last I wrote, but after your last letter I was hard pressed to motivate myself. Even so, I will try to answer your questions.
    Yes, it is true I expound with a substantial vocabulary use big words, but there is no need for you to be so disquieted stressed out about it. You do have a dictionary. It is that large red book accumulating collecting dust on your bookshelf. But hey, kiddo, I'll tell you what I will do. I will dummy this down, just for you. I will go back over this letter before I send it and put in smaller words. Then maybe at least some of those nasty big, bad words will not be so scary. After all, I do not want to "make your head hurt." And who knows, you might actually even learn a few of those words. That would help you get your grades up and then you could go to a real school or, if you can't improve raise your grades sufficiently enough, maybe you could enroll in get into a community college, which would definitely be a step up from where you are now and a good step in the right direction for getting a decent good education.
    I was reminiscing thinking about one of the original SNL episodes shows a little while ago. Chevy Chase and Jane Curtin were doing the newscast skit and Chevy came forth with said one of his classic lines. It made me think of you.
    For future reference Just so you know, it is Sodom and Gomorrah not sodomy and gonorrhea.
    So you got an A in poetry class! Congratulations! Congrats! But, don't get cocky. Yes, we want you to get good grades and getting an A and being the best in your class is a strong start. However, I do not believe your verbal report of, "I read the first 3 lines and I was too confused to continue. It made me feel real sad," does true justice to The Road Less Traveled by Robert Frost. You really should try to finish it and do try to grok understand get it. That you were the only one in your class to have actually read any of it and actually give a report of any kind bespeaks enough of Charm School.
    I am sorry you are feeling such angst so unhappy that you stadium is no longer the biggest in the country. No, sorry, those emails are just spam. Size does not matter; at least not in that context the way it was used. Hey kiddo, look at the bright side. So your stadium is number 2 in capacity the number of fans that can sit, but now you have handicap access. Those added handicap access ramps means your team can now come into the stadium without needing to be carried by the band. That's something, isn't it? Besides, there usually are not that many fans left once the game is underway.
    Please do not ask about Braille yard lines. You many hear the fans yelling the refs are blind, but they are not. It just seems so at times, so just don't ask, ok?
    The big game is this weekend. I am looking forward to it. I hope you and your girlfriends are prepared ready. I know you said you are, but having a bake sale to raise money so you and your teammates can wave them on the sideline, showing your team spirit, is not exactly the best preparations way to get ready. It will be best if those cute little flags are left on the sideline when you go onto the field.
    I see no reason why you and your girlfriends should not go ahead and wear the Goth makeup for the game. Just remember that you can’t wear your leather miniskirts minis and you have to take off all the jewelry before the game. Maybe you should consider what a fashion statement it will be to wear Goth makeup with those cute little uniforms you have to wear. Oh, and the cup? First, I do not believe the cup will work with a thong, leather or otherwise. Also, you and your girlfriends really do not need to wear cups. You have nothing between your legs that needs protecting. Just a suggestion: I would leave the leather undies back in your room if I were you.
    I have kept tabs on your team this year. It is obvious easy to see that the coach has not done enough to get you girls prepared ready for any of your games. It also seems you and your girlfriends need some assistance help comprehending understanding getting the basics. Let me see if I can simplify it make it easy for you.
    The spread: The spread has nothing to do with food. Likewise Also, the spread has nothing to do with lying down, the position of your legs, your state of dress, or with whom you are dating. Yes, I fully understand and appreciate know that you and all the girls at Charm School are very proficient good at that activity. I am also well aware that the kids at Charm School are renowned for running around naked. None of that has to do with football and you will do well to do nothing like that on national television TV and you should wear those cute little uniforms throughout for the whole game. The spread is a type of offense where the players are not crowded together. It is supposed to make things difficult hard on the opposing team's defense.
    Rushing: The rush has nothing to do with pledging a sorority. It has nothing to do with how you feel when you hyperventilate breathe really deep and fast. It has nothing to do with the euphoria you get when doing drugs or see a really, really cute hunk of a guy. The rush is a kind of football play where someone is handed the football and runs while carrying it.
    Passing: I know you think you know what a pass is, but it has nothing to do with a guy (or girl) trying to entice talk you into a sexual encounter having sex. Likewise, the pass is not a slip of paper that gets you out of class. The pass is a kind of football play where someone throws the ball and another player on the team catches it without dropping it and then runs while carrying it.
    Receiving: I am sure you have heard the saying, "it is better to give than to receive." Although that is a charitable good way to live one's life, it has nothing to do with football. When a person on your team throws the ball, the person who catches it is receiving and that player is called a receiver. When the ball has been kicked, a player from the other team tries to catch it. That is receiving, but the player is called a kick returner. You are not supposed to give the ball to anyone from the team that just kicked. The player with the ball then runs, like a rusher.
    Punting: I am sure you have heard the expression saying, "fall back 10 and punt." This is a football expression. It does not mean for you and your girlfriends to run backwards and fall on the ground. It means you and your girlfriends did not do well and have to kick the ball. What you are supposed to do is keep the other players away from your punter girlfriend who kicks long enough for her to kick the football.
    The option: The option is somewhat like what you get with a telephone menu. You do have to choose. In football, the choice is to keep the ball and run with it or give (or pass) the ball to a team mate. When on the phone, you have lots of time to think and there is the "#" key to go back and change your choice In football, you do not have a lot of time because players from the other team want to knock you down while you still have the ball.
    Yes, it is a lot. Yes, it is confusing, but do not take your cell phone onto the field. There are no lifelines in football.
    Turnovers: Turnovers are fumbles and interceptions. You and your girlfriends, by now, know a lot about turnovers, so I need not say more. Just try to not make so many and, when the football is on the ground, as I said in an earlier letter, grab the ball and do not worry about getting grass stains on your cute little uniforms.
    Winning and being number 1 are achievements things one earns through talent, skill, and hard work. The real goal is doing your best. You and the other girls on your team are assuredly fershur doing your best. One thing is certain fershur. You and your girlfriends are starting to learn how to graciously accept a loss. By the end of this season, you all should be able to finish a game without a single quivering chin.
    See you soon. Looking forward to it.

With all the love there is,

    Little Brother

Posted on: September 24, 2008 5:30 pm
 

Dear Lil Sis (part 2)

Dear Lil Sis,

    I have not heard from you lately. Perhaps your reticence might be attributed to admirable industry such as studying and not due to incarceration or a sojourn at the local rehabilitation center owing to yet another weeklong binge. Certainly it is understood that students occasionally need to "blow off steam," but engaging in such an occupation should be with self-control and moderation, perhaps even parsimoniousness. Keeping up your grades is a worthwhile endeavor and, if successful, you will surely revel in the satisfaction of receiving a certificate from Charm School. Then, too, higher grades will engender opportunities to enroll in a real school.
    Perhaps your studiousness so sequestered you that you have not heard. Our team avenged your loss! Although the margin was 16 points and your loss was by 18 points, perhaps the triumph is sufficient to quell a few of your teammate's quivering lips. It would be serendipitous if true for it would be unobliging to impregnate your delicate sensibilities (or those of your girlfriends) with further angst by dwelling on your loss or this recent victory.
    Either way, it is sagacious that your team has the week off after those three grueling contests. This will afford a proper drying and cleaning of your cute little uniforms. It will also give you and your girlfriends ample opportunity to get rid of those nasty split ends and tangles that you suffer every time you put on your helmets. We know how important appearance is to your self-esteem and you assuredly will put this time to good use.
    And speaking of football, permit me to offer some advice. You and your girlfriends should not be so shy about touching the football. Football is not a game of "hot potato" and when the ball is dropped, everyone should make an effort to grab the football even if it means falling on the ground and mussing your cute little uniforms.
    Allow me to backtrack for a moment as I feel impelled to note and comment on your continuing curricula fluctuations. Many students do revise their plans and chart a new course through the academic swells and this is normal and natural. However, one should consider all facets before buying the gem. Yes I know that basket weaving is sometimes tedious and boring, but you will find that true of most academics. You've changed to Knitting 101 and knitting, as a career, is more glamorous than basket weaving. From the business perspective, however, both have robust markets, but the prospectus for wicker waste baskets is very strong with much less substantial competition. When making decisions about careers, one would be well advised to consider such factors.
    A report that was published sometime ago and recently came to my attention is most troubling. Is it true that last spring a member of your team left due to "a lack of family values" on the team? Did this player also leave Charm School? Your enrollment in Charm School was founded primarily on the understanding that one of the highest priorities, one of the most salient attributes of Charm School, is the emphasis on family values. If this report is bone fide, then aside from disappointment and failed expectations, it represents both a serious breach of trust and an insincerity by your coach or perhaps even Charm School administration to the point of disingenuousness or misrepresentation. You do not have to continue in that institution. You can always request a transfer to another institution where morality and ethics are hallmarks, not graffiti.
    It has been problematic not commenting on the rumors and reports surrounding your coach and the manner in which he left his former position to take the coaching position with Charm School. Given the allegations coupled with the reported lack of family values a pattern starts to emerge, one that should cause you to take pause and be wary. The cliché, "once a thief, always a thief" seems apropos. Take care, darling, to not be violated by your coach. Although the evidence is insufficient to prove or predict, it seems likely that that may already have happened.
    Be strong. Be brave. Perhaps in the not-so-distant future, your team might have a winning season. Take comfort that our team will avenge each and every one of your losses.

With all the love there is,

    Little Brother

Category: NCAAF
 
 
 
 
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