Posted on: December 4, 2010 4:05 pm

Crisis in Ann Arbor (part II)

Affiliated Press -- Dec. 2, 2010 Ann Arbor, MI
Crisis in Ann Arbor Continues
Continuing on the situation first made public on Oct. 9, 2010, the Crisis in Ann Arbor worsens.
As reported in October, there critical shortages included paper bags, mortuary makeup and resorative wax. Obviously connected in some way to the State of Michigan's economic woes, the list of shortages is growing longer.
Mayor John Hieftje has confirmed reports of a total absence of facial tissue in the city and surrounding areas.
"These are serious shortages. We are considering a declaration of a state of emergency."
As if to confirm the reported shortage, The Department of Sanitation reports a significant increase in the number of empty Kleenex boxes being recycled.
Michigan Head Coach Rich Rodriguez allegedly has a cache of tissues, at least 20 cartons, stashed away, according to an anonymous graduate assistant.
Off the record, Mayor Hieftje was heard to say that there are a lot of snotty noses in Ann Arbor right now.
Byline -- Jack Piooma
Posted on: October 27, 2010 11:04 am

Big Ten Expansion Completed!!

Affiliated Press -- May 11, 2010 Chicago, IL
Big Ten Expansion Completed!!
AP: In a late breaking story, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany just announced the addition of a twelfth school to the Big Ten Conference.
The new addition will not exactly be new. Former Big Ten school, University of Chicago, has agreed to be reinstated in the conference.
The University of Chicago, which is a member of the University Athletic Association in NCAA Division III, will begin immediately to elevate its varsity sports to Division I caliber programs according to Tom Weingartner, Director of Athletics.
"The University of Chicago is pleased to rejoin the Big Ten," commented university president Robert Zimmer, "and it has been too long in the coming. This reunion makes a tremendous amount of sense given Chicago was a founding member of the Intercollegiate Conference of Faculty Representatives, which is what the Big Ten was called when we created it in 1896. Also, since Chicago is a founding member of the Association of American Universities and most importantly a founding member of the Committee on Intercollegiate Cooperation, an exclusive research cooperative that includes Chicago and the 11 excellent universities of the Big Ten, we all agree that the University of Chicago is the perfect fit. We are very excited to return to the fold."
In an off the record comment, Delany said that splitting the pie 13 ways was not very agreeable to the current arrangement, referring to the 5.6 billion dollars in research funding shared CIC members.
Conference realignments for all of the varsity sports will be worked out over the next several months. Chicago's varsity sports will be transitioned over the next 3 years due to scheduling issues, with basketball to begin in 2011 and football in 2012.
In a separate interview, University of Michigan Head Coach Rich Rodriguez is quoted as saying that he was pleased to be able to schedule Chicago as it would allow him to pad his schedule with something other than a cupcake Division I-AA school, such as Appalachian State or a doormat MAC team like Toledo..
-- byline Jack Piooma
Posted on: October 25, 2010 7:30 am

Crisis In Ann Arbor

Affiliated Press -- Oct. 9, 2010 Ann Arbor, MI

Crisis in Ann Arbor

There is a crisis reported in a Ann Arbor due to a critical shortage and it is not the notorious critical shortage of defense on the Michigan football team. There is a critical shortage of paper bags. There are none to be found in any stores in Ann Arbor, not even the Walmart stores. In a recent press conference, Mayor John Hieftje confirmed the reports

"This is a serious shortage. We are preparing to declare a state of emergency. All efforts to mitigate the shortage, including attempts at recycling, have failed. There just are no paper bags to be found, anywhere. Plastic bags, in many cases, are not a viable alternative."

Speculating on the cause of the shortage, Mayor Hieftje shrugged and suggested that the most likely cause was high consumption at football games.

"Fans are wearing the bags over their heads so they can't be identified as Michigan fans. Between the eye holes the tears from fans pulling their hair, the bags are ruined after just 1 use. Hundreds of thousands of bags are destroyed each week."

Police Chief Barnett Jones, speaking off the record, observed that the lack of paper bags has resulted in a substantial drop in sexual assault cases. No specific relationship was identified, but Chief Jones noted that unless the crime rate climbs back up soon, the Ann Arbor Police Department will undergo significant reductions in force.

Another direct impact of the paper bag shortage, according to the Washtenaw County Clerk, has been a serious decrease in the birth rate, a drop so significant it has affected the overall rate of population decrease for the entire state.

"Apparently, without paper bags, people just aren't having sex."

Michigan Head Coach Rich Rodriguez was recently observed shredding paper bags in his office, late at night, with the help of a grad assistant. When asked, Coach Rodriguez said he felt the players might do better if they played without paper bags over their heads. He went on to guess that the players were trying to hide their identities during the game, an effort completely thwarted since the uniform jerseys clearly spelled out each player's name.

As if denizens of Ann Arbor have not suffered enough in recent times, the paper bag shortage is being blamed for causing 2 other shortages -- mortuary makeup and resorative wax. Douglas R. "Dutch" Nie, II, of the Nie Family Funeral Home & Cremation Service, Inc., brought this issue to the attention of the Ann Arbor / Ypsilanti Regional Chamber of Commerce at the August Economic Club luncheon. In his presentation, Mr. Nie noted:

"Nobody in Ann Arbor has dies with a smile on his face for over 3 years now and it looks like it won't be getting any better any time soon."

Byline -- Jack Piooma

Category: NCAAF
Posted on: June 7, 2009 9:18 am

What's so special about The Brez?

What's so special about The Brez?

With 15,000 seats, it is by no means the largest basketball arena. Certainly the 53 game home winning streak (2000 to 2002) is impressive but it's not the longest in the NCAA. In the 20 seasons since it opened, the Jack Breslin Student Events Center has stood witness to a remarkable 4 undefeated-at-home seasons and a 267-38 (0.875) home-court record, one of the best in the country. 99 different opponents have come to play, but only 19 of them have ever won.

The Brez is home to Tom Izzo and the Michigan State Spartans, a perennial basketball power. Yes, there are other great basketball teams. However, such notable teams as Louisville, Nebraska, Arkansas, UCLA, UCon, Florida, George Mason, Georgia Tech, Kansas, Kansas St., Kentucky, UNC, UNLV, Oklahoma, Virginia, and Duke would rather submit to a colonoscopy than come to East Lansing, knowing it's a hostile environment, knowing just how difficult it is to escape with a win. 9 of 89 OOC opponents have ever won. Only 1 OOC team has ever won twice.

What's so special about The Brez?

Maybe it's championship magic. The NCAA Champion Spartans had a 28 game winning streak entering into the 2000-01 season. During the off season, Coach Izzo bought the championship floor from the RCA Dome in Indianapolis and installed it (Lupe did the design). The Spartans continued undefeated on that floor for nearly 2 more years (25 games) before falling by 1 in a thriller against Wisconsin. During that time, a myth that the Spartans were invincible at home took hold and grew. While that myth has since been debunked, the Spartans are 130-12 (3 OOC losses), including the current 39 game OOC winning streak, since the floor was installed. Duke was the last OOC opponent to win (12/3/03).

Maybe it's the Izzone ("Always Imitated. Never Duplicated."). With close to 4,000 members cheering the Spartans on, the Izzone creates a loud, exciting and intimidating atmosphere, and a considerable home-court advantage. The Spartans at home can always rely on their sixth man.

Of all the games played in The Brez, there will always be one in particular that stands out. Feb. 20th, 2007. The day No. 1 fell. The day that the Izzone proved their reputation was well-deserved. Wisconsin was a model of greatness, a school-record 30 wins, after over No. 2 Pitt and No. 5 Ohio State, until Feb. 20th, in the Brez. It was all the Izzone. The Izzone, even for them, was in rare form. The Brez rocked. It was deafening. It continues to echo even today.
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com